I said some stupid things today. I didn’t like how it was so unlike me. The first half of the day I said these things, going totally against my rule of sending a message while angry.
I will admit that today I started assuming the worst, which kind of snowballed into an ass-whipping of a day. The worst part of it was that it was all done through text; this is the worst part because it was the only way I could communicate with friends back home, yet it leaves so much room for misinterpretation. There was so much miscommunication because I found out things out of order and at different times. Because of that, what I said back made no sense to what my friends back at home knew. I ended up coming back to my senses in the middle of the day, thankfully, and apologized for my very uncharacteristic behavior. I’m so unbelievably mad at myself to let my anger get that far. So all is forgiven for what there was to forgive.
There’s only one problem.
I feel like I’m getting all the blame now in this situation. It as though I should not have anything else to be mad at my friends for because I messed up today. Like I’m not allowed to say these problems that really do exist for me.
Because I’m in China, there are only certain times of the day that I can Skype home. I’ve told my friends a million times when I can talk with them. In a whole month, they’ve probably Skyped me on there own 2 or 3 times. I’ve even asked my boyfriend to ask them to get on so I can talk to them. There’s something different about seeing and hearing someone compared to only texting. I wish they would make more of an effort to talk to me. I get up at 6 every morning and get off around 7:30 and I get back on from when I come home (usually 6 pm) to midnight my time. I purposely stay on not only to talk to my boyfriend (we do tend to have lengthy conversations), but also try to weight and see if any of my friends can get on. They never really do. I feel like I’m doing so much to stay on as long as possible, but I get don’t get much in return. One of my friends said that she just found out that I was usually on for longer than 30 minutes; she said that she didn’t get on because she thought it wasn’t worth it. That hurt. A lot. But I really want to talk to her because I feel that she probably did not mean it, that there is a different context.
I don’t think anyone, not even Nick, understands how much it would mean to me if they just made the effort to sign on, even if it’s just for a few minutes. A simple hello establishes a connection saying that even though I can only talk for a short time, I care enough to have at least a short talk.
Yet I don’t feel as though I can even say anything about this because of this God-awful day. I didn’t want to be a bother before, because I didn’t want to ask too much, but why is it so hard just to sign on for a few minutes just to say hello? Or is now the worst time to bring it up?