It’s been a long day.. or two.. I’m not sure anymore. I had pretty poor sleep Sunday night because I was so nervous about coming, and the air conditioning in the hotel room was a little sucky, so that contributed to my sleeplessness. Then we finally got to Newark International Airport (do not know why the program chose to start the flight on the side farthest away from China) and stood at the checked baggage area for a good 30-45 minutes.
I definitely tried during that wait to be open to everyone so I can make friends easily, which kind of worked! I’m kind of known as the drug dealing terrorist, one because I was describing how much medication I actually brought and two because for the 3rd time I’ve been at the airport in the past two months I was “randomly” selected for further screening. It lightened my mood a little.
By the time we got on the plane, I was ready to crash, in all senses of the word. I could feel another panic attack coming on and I was incredibly tired. I finally got to sit down and attempt to breathe, but I definitely needed assistance.. I slept for the first two hours as pleasantly as I could on a cramped plane.
Then I decided to torture myself with romantic comedies.
The reason why I say torture is because while watching those movies, it made me ache for my boyfriend. I just wanted to see his face and hear his voice. He always managed to calm me down before, but now my access to him is so limited.. I wish I could at least text him, but the charges for it are astronomical.. I’m afraid that I’m going to feel like this for the next 6 weeks. I feel disconnected from the world I know, even facebook has locked me out.
Don’t get me wrong, when I did arrive in Shang Hai, I thought it was amazing! and large! Just my feelings from my anxiety are getting the best of me right now. Hopefully I’ll be able to improve and get better for the next few weeks.
I’m keeping in mind that it’s only day 1. My attitude will most likely change in the next few days. I believe that it’s just the anxiety of the trip itself that’s getting to me. But I desperately want to be there for my friends back home. One of my friends is having issues with college. I know exactly what she is feeling and I just want to be there for her to make her feel better. I also want to give her strength, because with this type of issue I learned that strength is key when making these decisions. I want her to know that everything will be fine and that she’ll never lose me or anyone else as a friend because we’ll all be there for each other.
I think most of all I just want contact with my friends and family. It feels like ages since I’ve been able to talk to them. I want to see Nick and let him know that I miss him and that I’m keeping strong for him.
Kind of a rant.. but I needed to get it out.